I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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