Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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