I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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