I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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