the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
