And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
