Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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