i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
