Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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