shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
