We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
