New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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