I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
