I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
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I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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