so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
