On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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