I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
