clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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