i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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