got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
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Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
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But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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