Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
