Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
