Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
