He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
