You really coming over, don't trick.
I'm going to jail i love you
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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