Will you blow on my dice?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I woke up under a house in Key West
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
