Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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