you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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