I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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