he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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