...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just blew my weed a kiss
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
