Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
