She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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