I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
