took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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