we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
