My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The air taste purple.
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