I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
