forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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