omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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