About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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