I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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