I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
