I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
