wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
