The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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