I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
