"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
