i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
