Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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