Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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