so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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