Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
