My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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